Adulthood sucks more than I thought. Can’t get my closure when I need it the most. Learn to rely on myself for making my own happiness. Anxiety. There is failure after failure. Working so hard at the office until the sun set down. My parents are growing old. Bills an debt. Need to save my money ‘for the better future’ but in other world need to keep my mind sane by buying something less useful that i like such as having a good food (because decent food is enough). No more time for doing my hobby. Overthinking, what i should do when I have moved to another town without the routine I usually have. People who is demanding. Everyone demands the best work for me while I only have 24 hours a day (minus 6 hours for sleeping) that I spent most of it by working, less resting. People judgment.
There are so many times when I was being like a zombie, my body was doing my routine voluntary but my mind was not there. I forgot the name of other people. I forgot why i enter a room at the first place. Everything is just like a dream.
When I went back to my home, i spent a lot of time by lying on my bed doing nothing. My room was messy. Always have a nightmare. No appetite.
It’s like my emotion bank which I saved so much positive emotion from my younger self is drained by these series of unfortunate events.
So tired.
I just miss the simpler life once I had.
I just miss observing the blue sky and the starry sky.
I just miss having a good conversation with my family and my partner, face to face.
I just miss drawing and singing and swimming and having a really refreshing shower.
I just miss the feeling when the mountain breeze hit my face.
I just miss doing some experimental cooking without people say “ah buat apa, hambur-hamburin uang aja”
I just miss traveling, back packing.
I just miss a little surprise from my closed ones.
But again, I must face it. It’s life. Allah doesn’t burden a person beyond that she can bear. Please guide me, Ya Allah. Let me find my way.
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